A Proper Education
by Giantitis
Summary: Imagine James and Sirius sitting in on a lecture on the birds and the bees. A bit of drabble but may continue if recieve positive feedback.


**Disclaimer: I don't own HP, but I made up Rory. In highschool, whenever we had lectures, especially on the following topic, the teachers would brace themselves for the shenanigans and awkward questions that my friends would dish out to the unfortunate lecturer. So here's to Sploogal, my partner in crime. Thankyou for the memories!**

A Proper Education

Dear Rory,

I remember when you attended Hogwarts, mum said to me that she was glad that you went there. She said that Hogwarts would teach you many invaluable life lessons. Now that I am here, I can honestly say that I have had many invaluable experiences which will indefinitely shape me as a man.

The other day the Ministry introduced a new program to keep up with the changing youth culture. Professor Dipel made an announcement at breakfast the other morning…

"_As of this evening, there will be a compulsory lecture for all junior students to be held in the Great Hall following study hall. All students fifth-year and above are not required to attend and as such should devote their time to further study."_

I don't know about you Rory, but I certainly couldn't pass up the chance to further my education, especially when the alternative involved study. So, naturally, Sirius, Peter and I joined the younger students in the Great Hall, while Remus decided to stay in Gryffindor tower and make study notes.

However, as it turned out, we were not the only seniors attending the lecture that night. As we made our way down to the Great Hall, who should we bump into than the Gryffindor prefect, Robert Homes and his girlfriend, Lily Evans…

_As Robert and Lily walked past, James linked arms with Sirius, "Hi kids! Should we make it a double-date?"_

"_Just hold your tongue!" Robert told James, holding the door to the Great Hall open for Lily._

"_Can you say that in front of her?" asked Sirius._

_Lily and Robert ignored them and continued inside Great Hall. While James and Sirius tossed back their heads like snobs_ _and strutted their way to the front row. _

_It wasn't long before Professor Dipel entered the Hall through a side door. _ _James and Sirius stood up in the front row and cheered and the headmaster waved his hands to settle the crowd, "All right, let's settle down. Tonight's topic is, uh, 'Marital sex and the family'."_

"_Louder Professor," James piped up._

"…'_and the family'," Professor Dipel repeated._

"_The first part," said James_

_Professor Dipel started to look a little uncomfortable, "Marital se…" he paused to clear his throat, "Sex…" Sirius turned around and addressed crowd, "Let's hear it for tonight's topic!" The other students clapped and cheered. Someone at the back even whistled._

"_Uh…just hold it down, Ok? It's not actually necessary for students above fifth year to be present. Only students below fifth year are required to attend," Professor Dipel directed his comment to the three boys in the front row._

"_Why should they know more than we do?" James asked, trying to sound somewhat offended._

"_Yeah!" Sirius added, "I've got a date tonight. I wanna learn as much as I can."_

"_Let's just can the jokes, boys! If you don't mind, I'd like to get right down to the sex." The headmaster's seemingly innocent remark was met with a roaring applause._

"_I mean, uh, the talk about the, uh…what im supposed to talk about. Mr Pettigrew, make yourself useful and uncover the charts." Peter stood up and moved over to a large screen positioned next to the headmaster. Peter then removed the sheet revealing two outlines of a male and a female, labelled A and B respectively. James whistled at the minimalist artwork. Peter nodded at the headmaster, "Good luck, Sir."_

_Professor Dipel, using his wand as a pointer, gestured towards each of the drawings, "Um…They uh…you start here. We've got your, uh, man and your woman,"_

"_Which is which?" asked Sirius._

_James answered him, "The one with the big hips is the man."_

"_Can we end these comments?" Robert directed at James (He and Lily were seated behind the boys), "Some of us happen to be genuinely interested in this subject." _

_James turned to face his nemesis, "I've devoted my life to this subject." He then looked at Lily, "Well, at least a good many of the nights."_

"_Dirty mind!" Lily glared._

"_Well you know what they say – dirty mind, warm heart." James gave her a wink and then turned back to face the headmaster who was having trouble forming his sentences. _

"_Uh now…uh we…" the headmaster paused to clear his throat, "Excuse me. The, uh, union of Figure A -man- and, uh…Figure B…the, uh…woman…"_

_The students, noticing their headmaster's obvious discomfort couldn't help but chuckle at his poor attempt to discuss the unmentionable._

"…_is the most sublime expression of, uh, romantic love. However, only in the institution of marriage should this expression take place." _

_Sirius raised his hand, "Uh, sir?"_

_Professor Dipel looked up absent-mindedly, "Mhmm?"_

_Sirius continued, "Sir, what happens in the event that Figure A is attracted to Figure B and wants to get married, but Figure A is already married to, say, Figure C, and Figure B is engaged to Figure D? But Figure A can't keep his hands off Figure B because she's got such a great figure."_

"_Uh, well according to the Ministry, he's got to forget her."_

_James nodded, " That figures."_

_The younger students giggled._

"_Ok, moving right along now, we come to the matter of, uh, family reproduction._

_How it really happens." _

_Peter, previously engrossed by the talk, shuffled closer and put his fist under his chin, eager to learn more._

"_How it all really happens is, uh…really, uh, one of nature's really cute things."_

_James and Sirius were struggling to suppress their giggles as their headmaster procrastinated giving them the intimate details of the lecture._

"_Uh, now first of all, it is necessary that these charts…" he pointed to the drawings, "uh, these two married charts…It is necessary that they, uh…uh, that they, uh…"_

_Peter was becoming impatient and leaned in closer, "They what, sir?"_

"_That they, uh…" he closed the Ministry guide book he was reading from and gave up on it. "Dismissed," he announced, leaving the hall._

_The young crowd cheered and as James clapped, he stood up and addressed the crowd, "Bravo! Bravo! Encore! Yay! Professor Dipel, ladies and gentlemen!"_

All in fun,

Your brother,

James.

**A/N: What do you think? R/R**


End file.
